When Christmas Gets Complicated: How Christian Parents Can Handle Family Tension About Their LGBTQ+ Child

When Christmas Feels Harder When You Have an LGBTQ+ Child

I LOVE Christmas! 

For the obvious reasons of our Savior’s arrival to earth, I love everything that comes with it…from the Christmas music, overly decorated trees, and carb-heavy meals, to gift-giving, white elephant exchanges, and treasured family time. The promise of peace, joy, and celebration abound…until we realize not everyone shares the same enthusiasm, because someone in the family holds a differing opinion about our LGBTQ+ child. And the season dampens.

A heart once prepared for Christmas now braces to mitigate potential family conflict, making the lights on the tree feel dim. 

So many Christian families suffer this quiet dread before a holiday gathering when they have an LGBTQ+ child. The tension between extended family loyalty and love for our children pull us in two directions. As much as we love all our extended family, certain relatives cannot extend the same amount of affection since our child’s disclosure.  The impossible heart tug of faith, family and our LGBTQ+ child always feels intensified around the holidays, don’t they?

So what is a parent to do with the quiet dread of feeling pulled between family loyalty, unconditional love, and faith? 

We can remember:  Peace at Christmas isn’t the absence of conflict—it’s the presence of Christ in the middle of it.

Navigating Family Disagreements With Faith and Wisdom

Family disagreements can be so painful because they carry spiritual weight, relational history, and that sacred longing for connection. When relationships feel strained because our child’s identity doesn’t align with someone’s beliefs, the friction is real. Someone struggles to understand or downright refuses to acknowledge our child, so we have considerations to make for the well-being of our child and our extended family relationships. It's a journey that requires us to ask for wisdom in every conversation--that the words from our mouths be His, and that we reflect His character. May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and to the steadfastness of Christ. ~ 2 Thessalonians 3:5 (NIV)

Preparing for Family Gatherings When Beliefs Differ

As we prepare for Christmas, we can take some steps to guide and guard our child and our extended family members. To avoid complicating our circumstances, we can create a plan to mitigate conflict and reduce Christmas turbulence.

Who in the family might be available to have a heart-to-heart conversation before your Christmas gatherings?  Anyone who sees, knows, and understands our child might be an excellent advocate and gap-stander between our child and the relative who might not be able to hold their tongue.

Maybe we could share a cup of coffee with someone who is working through their own understanding of our family, and we make a compassionate request for sensitivity and kindness. We can also empathize with our family members who don't understand. We are wise to remember how our journeys began, and thank the Lord for his mercy in our lives as we learned to walk beside our children in grace and truth. I often wonder what my attitude or position would be if I wasn’t walking beside an LGBTQ+ child.  Perhaps I would need some time, too. When our children’s disclosure changed our stories, we likely needed time to catch up to their disclosure too. We can extend grace to those who don’t understand our journeys, and request that it be extended toward our families.

When It’s Loving to Set Boundaries

And for that one who refuses to move with us…it’s okay to draw boundaries of emotional safety and limit our time together.  Perhaps we see them outside of a large family get together on a more personal level, and allow our child to decline the visit. (read the blog about Boundaries here)

Responding With Kindness When It’s Hard

The only wrong answer is to respond in kind when circumstances get ugly. Sometimes, I’m tempted to take the bait, but God reminds my heart, “He who withholds kindness from a friend forsakes the fear of the Almighty”. ~ Job 6:14 (NIV).  It is a privilege to display God’s kindness, and God is kind of serious about it.

The table may feel divided, but Christ sits with every person we’re working to love. 

God sees every moment, every effort, every grace-filled conversation; and He is with us in every one, so let’s remember to uphold His character.  For great is our reward in heaven.

This journey is much more a marathon than it is a sprint, so keep your tennies laced up and fortify our hearts and minds with His Word. We can remind our children that they, too, can extend grace to those who don't completely understand. It’s their marathon beside others, too.

After the Gathering: Debriefing With Your Child

Let’s not forget to debrief with our children after our celebrations.  You may have some really positive moments to celebrate, and those shouldn’t escape our gratitude. Maybe this was the first year your child brought a partner, and everyone was adjusting, but plenty of things went well.  What if this was the first time your child's partner saw Jesus' love on display, and they're curious about the Jesus you know? God sees every act of kindness we display, and He uses ALL things. 

We’ll make this year great.  Because HE is always at the Christmas table.

If you could use help navigating Christmas as a Christian parent of an LGBTQ+ child, Grace at the Table offers practical guidance to help you prepare with confidence and joy.  

No matter how or with whom we celebrate, we can all be grateful that our Savior arrived for everyone who gathers at our tables and around our tress. Let's remember to share the good news and great joy of Christmas. 

Merry Christmas from my family to yours!